Hey Its Ace

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married". Feelings have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.

Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. You should be ready to share your life with this person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations. Remember to look at the "big picture".

Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it? How does this person feel about love, commitment, and responsibility?

Do you ask yourself, "This person would be perfect if..."? If you find yourself doing that, or if that person is doing that to you, a compromise needs to take place. Do you ask too much from this person? Does this person ask too much of you? When you are in love, insignificant perceived "imperfections" shouldn't matter. If you want to change someone into your "perfect mate" just realize that change doesn't happen overnight, and may take several years - if it even happens. Ever heard of the saying, "You should love people for who they are, not what they can potentially become"?

Does your mate love their family? Does their parents approve of you or vice-versa? This is very important in Filipino culture, but extends to anyone. These people will be your future "in-laws" that you will spend holidays with, family reunions, etc. Also, if you feel that this person was raised well, chances are, they will instill the same values in your future children.

Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the ask of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children,then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes. Saying "this is right and this is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight billion questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable do to illness, the last months of pregnancy, and travel. There are also times when spouses just get on each others' nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make them available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?

These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person. Remember, people are not "security blankets". Get to know yourself and know what you want - because if you figure it out later, after you are married with kids, you'll have a whole lot of issues to deal with besides their character, personality, and physical flaws.

None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to say to yourself, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you". You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good catch. You'll both will "know" when you both feel lucky and thank God every day for each other.

Don't listen to your heart alone or your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.